dear disarray

life update and writing exercise

To explain everything in a single axiom: I settled into this job because it was part time and provided a flexible schedule for me to have time to write. Then I proceeded to say “yes” every single time my employer asked me if I could come in on this or that day, stay late, etc, because I can’t help myself. What would he do without me? I just want to make sure everyone is okay and he wont get sad. So now in practise, I work a physically demanding full time job, and I am not a fully functional adult human male, cognitively speaking. When I get home it is a tremendous struggle to wield language. and so I just go to work and go to bed. On a good day I get some weight lifting in. when I eventually have a couple days off, I feel entitled to goof off and waste my time. I no longer have the sigma grindset.

The last one, the woman question one, I wrote literally through gritted teeth. Forced it out. I have previously compared language to the digestive system. You take in sense data, digest it through language, and create “the world”, your experience, your cognition. when I get home from work in loud industrial noises and rowdy kitchen talk, I am existentially constipated.

This week I’ve agreed to work monday through saturday, for god knows what reason. Tomorrow is payday. a lot of abstracts become solid and material then. looking forward to it.

My only real friend, who I see every day, is moving in November. I didn’t even know he was looking for a new place. It’s a good life move for him, I don’t want to discuss his business, but it’s a good move. But it has made me kind of sad. We’ve developed, not a close friendship, but definitely a stable and, I don’t know. Common. friendship. over the summer. And that is something I have treasured immensely. When he told me I panicked, as I realized how lonely I am.

My uncle I have discussed vaguely is now “safe”. There has been some damage. alcoholic induced dementia. I didn’t even know that was a specific thing, but there you have it. He’s been in and out of various institutions, mostly not understanding what’s going on. Some times he thinks he’s employed as the groundskeeper. No longer experiencing religious visions about it all. We thought he ran away at one point to go get drunk/kill himself, but it turned out he was “just” dementia wandering, and lost track of where he was going. A lot of bitterness. I’m visiting him for his birthday next week.

Been trying to flirt with girls at work, it isn’t going so well. Or, it’s going pretty well, everyone is just spoken for and I have a chip on my shoulder about that sort of thing. I have at least made alliance with the middle aged south asian women who work as cleaning ladies. I believe this relationship will pay off in time, as I presume them to be one of the big secret political power blocks in my workplace.

I was getting into a good groove, but I say yes to too many hours and for the past three weeks I have been in a daily 1000 calorie deficit. Or something like that. If my math is right, I should be losing 1kg every week. I have been losing 2. There is no cause for alarm though, I’m not doing anything weird. I was literally overweight again. Quitting smoking and eating too much ice-cream. One or two more weeks and I should be over this bullshit. Regardless I will still make an effort to return to my at the very least, weekly blog posting. I have a lot more to say about finding God, for example. A lot of my time at work is spent thinking about it. and I have made a promise to 0hp lovecraft to publish my joss whedon thesis. Look forward to these things and many more in the near future. I have weeks and weeks of notes that I write in a little notebook during the day, which is cause for a great deal of workplace bullying.