Real Big Boy Stuff

I know I said no posts for a while. We make plans and God laughs

Last week I went to the gym. I didn't stay or work out. I asked the little old lady manning the desk, if she could do me a favor. I explained that I want to collect documentation on my being a real person, who lives in a house, because I aim to prove it to the government, so that I can continue to live in a house with my beautiful wife.

She was very excited and happy to help, and even jumping at the opportunity to in some way be a part of it - that's so exciting for you, how can I help. Then I explained how she could help, and why it would help. And we talked back and forth for a little while, and I explained how I had left everything behind, quit my job, cancelled my lease, and just gotten on a plane with my beautiful girlfriend. After a couple of minutes to process it, she stopped and said, "Wow, this is all really big boy stuff, isn't it". I said yes it really is. It really is big boy stuff.

I thought it was about the money. I thought it was because I was broke 5 years ago, and I'd lived poor for a while until then, and I'd spent the last 4 years before this one, gradually becoming psychologically dependant on the number in my bank account app going up a little every month, as a measure for my worth in life. I thought it was hard and emotional, because I had derived my self worth from having a big boy job and a big boy savings account, and now I was letting go of both of those.

But now I think it started a lot longer ago. The thought in my head was, "I inadvertently ended up priding myself in my independence, because I didn't have anything else". That I derived my sense of self respect and agency and identity and all that, in my being "financially independent", in having a big "big boy" bag of cash, that I could just sit on and not spend, and that knowing I had it would allow me to fantasise a feeling of "security" - if something bad happens, at least I have my big bag of money.

But once I had that thought - I prided myself in my independence - the act of thinking it, saying it, made me remember a moment in time where I felt like that, felt like the words described, and it happened to be 15 years before that particular situation happened.

I prided myself on my independence because it was the only thing I had, when I was a very angry 15 year old, starting fights and resenting my classmates. I prided myself on my independence because it was the only thing I had, when I was in boarding school, and I tried to be edgy and Mr funny guy, and I struggled to integrate with my peers. I prided myself on my independence because it was the only thing I had, at university, when I dropped out because I was so disillusioned that they gave me a passing grade for something I wrote drunk, because they couldn't catch me. I prided myself on my independence because it was the only thing I had, when I stopped drinking, and I didn't want to be "one of those guys", so I didn't get help and spent years reinventing the wheel, and ended up religious anyways. I prided myself on my independence because it was the only thing I had, every step of the way, since I woke up in that hospital bed and couldn't move my body.

It was not a new development. Just a recent manifestation. Just running in circles for 20 years. And now I feel very anxious, because I am not independent. I am very dependent and involved in the great interconnected Web of life, and I am not in control of everything. I depend on so many actors and variables that are outside of my control, that I cannot meaningfully plan for it. I can't just create the grand battle plan that takes all variables into account, and outthink and out plan the world, and pre-empt every possible disadvantage and problem. I can't detach and sit in my little ivory cage in my bag of money and think “good riddence, the world is stupid anyways”.

I have quite literally put my money where my mouth is. And just now, after weeks of incredible anxiety, and dexterous thinking, and long long days in the office, trying to plan everything, I had a funny thought: my whole life it always felt like I was "getting away with something". In university, I wanted to "get caught". When I was nearing 30, I was desperate to "get away with" how I'd lived my life as a young man, and that I could just sneak my way into the middle class, and my various embarrassing antics and shame would never be revealed. When I was a teenager in boarding school, I wanted to “get away with” being normal, and no one knowing the terrible secret that had made me feel like a social outcast at home, that I had been in that horrible accident. As a young adult I wanted to “get away with”, not being taught how to shave and pay taxes, and have no one realise that I was a broken half-man who didn't know how to do anything. And now, all my worries are about whether I can live up to the rules, not if I can cheat and get away with it. What keeps me up at night is not wether I'm going to "get caught" doing something I'm not supposed to, "get caught" with my pants down and revealed as the charlatan I always was. No, now I just worry about being good enough, and doing a good enough job. And it's very new and I haven't tried it very much before, and that's why I am anxious.

I worry about not being in control of everything, and about depending on others, and it's not just "letting go of the financial safety net" - I had nothing, and no future, when I had that big bag of money. I kept complaining about it. What's the use of money if there's nothing for sale that I want? And now I'm putting my money where my mouth is, and it is a lot scarier than being proud and independent. Because there is something I want.

I never "inadvertently" become proud of my independence. I was proud before I was independent. Perhaps the pride even caused the independence. And now I'm not so independent. In fact I'm very dependant. Im dependant on my beautiful wife, on my in-laws, on my family, on friends and strangers and aquianteces, on government beurocrats and systems and customs, and on strangers on the Internet. And worst of all I'm dependent on myself, and my ability to finish everything I've started and see it through, and I'm dependant on myself being able to continue to live and work, in the future. I'm not “secured” by past acts - the big bag - but must rely on my own FUTURE acts. And I have never really lived like that before.

My independence before, was in fact even from myself. That's what the bag symbolised. "with this bag, I don't even need to depend on myself" - I dont need to try, I don't need to risk, I don't need to reach my potential. With my bag, who cares if I never have an interesting thought again, who cares if I let the people who care about me down, who cares if I never finish a book. Because I have my bag, and I can buy groceries. Independence from success. Independence from happiness. Independence from meaning and love.

And now I am not so independent. Now I have become dependant on myself, and I realise that for a very long time I never was. And that's real scary. And that's real big boy stuff.