The economic anxiety of finding God in the industrial kitchen (???)

I'm writing this on my phone at work don't tell anyone

I feel the walls closing in on me. Yesterday I felt the powerful surge of progress towards a goal. I made a lot of money. Then I forgot that October is the month I pay my yearly insurance bill. And i’m just back to, all right. This little bonus reward, this little line going up bing bing wahoo brain tingle is ruined. I've no longer made a great leap forward, but an incremental tiny step.

It’s blackpilling. I was feeling like King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Now I feel like a dishwasher with a blog and a history of mental illness.

I feel ungrateful, and I dob’t like feeling ungrateful. I have had considerably lucky breaks and miraculous intervention. I feel bad for wanting more, for asking for more, for wanting things to go faster, when they are already objectively going good.

It’s like lifting weights for a year, to achieve [normal, ot goblin] body - now you’re ready to *start*. It’s like being a teenage genius with brain damage - brain damage canceling the genius out so you’re just back at square one. Normal. Average. You should be grateful, its a miracle you’re alive. I *am* grateful. I’m just also feeling guilty.

It’s like thinking just because you have your shit a little bit together now you can have your pick of the litter of the waitresses at work, and then the cute mousy brunette already has a boyfriend. And you just wrote a manifesto about that sort of thing.

I’m trying to be a good Christian. I’m trying to be grateful. I’m feeling guilty. I think that’s half the battle.

I thought I was making progress. I am. I am making savings. Just not as fast as I want. I just *feel* like i’m just back to living paycheck to paycheck.

I’m listening to “the orthodox survival guide” at work, about how the idea of “progress” is a historically new idea that is fundamentally alien to human life, and wrong. An insane delusion of crazed frenchmen and life hating literally satanic literal retards. I’m considering skipping past the next couple of chapters, I already know the French revolution was an act of profound cataclysmic evil.