The liberals want to steal our Piss

A parable about land ownership and human rights

Couple of days ago I was having dinner with a group of people. At some point after dinner, the topic of conversation came to relating stories of public urination, and interacting with the police with your pants down.

First story goes, “My friend’s black-out drunk, completely wasted. She goes to pee behind a car, out of sight – turns out it’s a police car. Guy steps in and informs her public urination is illegal and he’s writing her a fine. But she’s drunk and brave so she refuses to give her information, until he threatens to put her in the drunk tank”.

Next story goes, “Me and another guy was taking a piss outside at a house-party, in the middle of the night. We’d hidden ourselves away a bit, but all of a sudden these two cops show up and shove flash-lights in our faces and we’re like, alright cop, you got us, fair’s fair, could you turn off the lights while we finish up”.

Next story is about a friend who drunkenly gives cops a false name, then realises that’s a worse crime than public urination, and runs away while the cops are distracted by talking to his friends.

Next story is about coming back to urban big city life, after living under tribal conditions for half a year on a coming of age journey to India or Africa or whatever. Arriving back in the big city – and then all of a sudden feeling the call of nature. But she has no place to go, and is only meeting up with her family later in the day. What to do? In desperation, she calls her brother to ask whether public urination is illegal. She forgot during her time in the wilderness.

“And what’s the deal with that. Why do you have to be a costumer to use the toilet in a store. isn’t that insane? Charging money to go to the bathroom. What kind of insanity is that? For god’s sake, how could you make laws about that! it’s a natural thing!”

It was at this moment that I pulled off my shirt, revealing my full navy seal uniform, and bravely kicked over her chair, using the power of the kick to launch into a graceful karate jump onto the dinner table, as she fell to the floor, astounded at my doctrine.

“YOU FOOL” I cried,

“It is a natural thing! Yes! But you choose to live in an UNNATURAL WORLD. You conceive of the issue of PISS as a matter of legality, of philosophy and argument, when it is a product of MARKET FORCES. You imagine a psychopath power junkie, a mad emperor simply ruling as a spur of madness that pissing should be illegal, for no reason at all. Coward that you are, you do not appreciate the impact of urbanisation. All rights are deprived from the primal right, LAND OWNERSHIP, and in urbanisation, the unnatural showing together of millions of humans in a cramped space, the equivalent share for each square of land diminishes, and the price of land goes UP! Borders become more strict, because what they protect and link is of greater value!

THUS it follows that occupying OWNED SPACE in an urban environment will be valued higher than occupying owned space in a non-urban environment – it will be priced higher, and trespassing will be punished harder!

You’re made a crucial mistake in your analysis. They’re not charging you to piss - they are charging you RENT, they are charging you ENTRANCE. Piss is a distraction. Piss is a psyop. You’re missing the forest for the trees - which you could have pissed in without getting caught!

You choose to live in a world of highly priced piss, when you could just as easily have chosen to live in the country, where piss flows freely and unregulated. You choose to live in Corporate Piss World because you want the shine and glamour of big city life, as promised you by Big Piss Media. Big Piss does not want you to realise this, they want you to think it’s about Piss, because otherwise you might realise that you own to space – and that it follows that you have no rights.

What you FOOLISHLY call for, without even realising it, is a return to medieval standards, of filling the streets with human waste. In your misguided desire for freedom of Piss, you are pissing on the entire system and technology of sewers – which is the only thing preventing this entire city to turn into a Piss and Shit filled nightmare. THERE IS NO POLITICAL SOLUTION TO THE PISS PROBLEM. THERE IS NO ETHICAL PISSING UNDER URBANISM“

And everybody clapped and we sang the national anthem, and a swan shed a tear.

Then I looked directly into the camera and said:

“This is a parable for feeling unfairly treated by supranational internet conglomerates when they ban you for saying mean things.“

And then I told my story, which is about once I was out drinking with the guys, one of my friends started pissing right in the middle of the entrance to a parking lot. We didn’t meet any cops, but there was a parking ticket guy who saw him and just looked really helpless and sad, and said something like “ah come on man”, and my friend felt really embarrassed and felt really bad about it, and sheepishly apologized and scuttled away, because there were no satisfactory way to resolve that social situation.