my december step dad adventure & battle between homophobia & misogyny
Its been a difficult couple of months for me. Things were turning around in a big way, things are. I’m very fit, healthy. Feeling better than i have in my entire adult life. Better relationship with both my parents. Being responsible. Making money. Couple of unforeseen expenses which set me back a couple of times, but still. Being financially responsible for the first time in my life. I’m pretty much at the level of a competent 21 year old. Ten years behind. It is what it is. I wasted 5 years on drugs, then wasted 5 years on art. Now I’m doing babby’s first manual labor and living in babby’s first shitty one room apartment. what are you gonna do. no use complaining about it. Honestly, i dont particularly mind it. I dont want a lot of things. Just, as we discussed last time, I need to have at least a few things, to get a wife. Either buying some bullshit status signifiers, or, becoming internet rich and flying in my australian groupie/mail order bride.
Might become an uncle soon. Soon ish. They are trying. Not yet succeeding, but even the fact that they are trying and not ”traveling” brings me great joy. My family life is still, in a word, ”bad”, but as long as our genome survives another generation, thats more than I could ask for. I plan to put all my savings in his or her name for when i eventually check out.
I havent been able to write at all. It took me 2 months to write 7 pages. I had the entire thing in my head in october, the full plot, structure, everything. I just had to sit down and write it. Took me until mid december, then it took two days. During that time I thought about it every single day. Maddening.
Still owe ohplc an article i promised him. Any day now man I promise im good for it.
I cant focus on writing. It has a lot to do with my living situation. I am going to change my living situation. I had a lot of hopes and plans, but they didnt work out.
I thought having to live with a transvestite for a couple of months due to mutual acquaintances, would be a threat to me. I was very worried about this. It turns out that in the real world you can very easily ignore them. And women are a much bigger problem. Unmarried women pushing 30 are a fucking civilizational threat, cross dressing porn addicts are a literal non issue. Women are the bigger problem.
This is all very humiliating for me to admit. I dont want you to know how i live. I’m very poor and by any stretch a loser. But as i always say, shame should be your guide.
Long story short, lots of roommates. Its legally a bit more complicated, but essentially. I’m ashamed about it. I think its no way for a man to live.
Its impossible for an unmarried man and an unmarried man to share space. Its that simple. There can never be peace between our races. You can never just try to give her what she asks for and hope to be treated decently in return. It doesnt work like that. She doesnt compartmentalise it like that. Everything you do for her is natural and deserved, anything you ask in return is unreasonable.
She will treat you like a bad boyfriend. You will have a relationship where she expects you to act as a boyfriend to her. That is whats going to happen. Dont do it, ever. until she has a boyfriend she will treat you like a suitor, or a boyfriend. there is no third category to them.
The answer to the old question of ”can men and women ever be ”friends” without romantic or sexual blah blah blah” is, no, and its womens fault. This does not mean ”you cant be friends and there will always be an underlying sexual tone if you try”. This means women are ungrateful shits who operate primarily on a sexual level, until she is stabalized into a long term romantic relationship. At that point you can have a conversation with her. Until then you are talking to a clusterfuck of hormones and hysteria.
And most young men arent much better. The people who the economic variables around roommate situation selects for, are all fucked in the head losers who are trying to peter pan themselves out of responsibility.
I’ve been working a lot, and I was struggling with wanting to write, and not finding the time and energy to do so, not at the level I wanted to. So I asked to work fewer hours in december, 3 days a week, so I could have plenty of time to write, while still making ends meet. What happened was instead I spent 3 weeks acting like a ”mean dad” to a 25 and a 28 year old who both act like teenagers, teaching them basic manners. This has made me feel incredibly bummed out, because these are people ive known for a long time and invested a lot of time and effort in, who at the first moment of slight inconvenience, decide that I am their enemy, and all my attempts to be nice to them, and genuinely caring for them, means nothing.
So instead of just having a 5 minute conversation and asking them to do me a small favor, we instead had to have a three week political power struggle. Which I think is incredibly stupid and childish, and humiliating for me to even be a part of. being 30.
I had to drag them kicking and screaming through basic notions of the golden rule of reciprocity of behavior, and I have to talk to them like they are children and socratic method them, like i always resented my dad for doing to me, they force me to act out all the shit i hated my dad doing to me, they make me their cruel step dad and then they force me to beat them. Its all very twisted. Its all very perverted. Compared to the crossdressing porn addict, he seems pretty well socialised in comparison.
And in the end after stupid antics and fucking hitting the walls like that shitting movie meme, smacking the doors like sulky teenagers, and all around a bunch of bullshit, childish, baby shit. I spend two evenings armchair psychologizing them, and in the end everyone agrees that my assessment of the situation was correct, and that they just wanted to fuck with me because they dont respect me. woopsie. no respect, I get no respect. people will not respect you, unless you force them to. its that simple.
So now that that whole thing is resolved, im looking for a new place to live. Hopefully by february. It’s a huge waste of money. I dont have the capital to invest in home ownership, and I’m gonna pay 2x the rent. But it’s a steal compared to my current situation of working 2 days less a week and then wasting all that time wiping grown adults asses for them. All in all its going to be net increase in wealth, all things considered. Im back to working full time in january, just until everything settles down. and also there are a million things going on with work, people getting fired, state mandates for public gatherings. its complicated. but busy january big money big apartment.
I feel humiliated. I take all this time off work to try to restructure my life and literally all of my time is spent raising overgrown manchildren. And womenchildren. And I realised that if I am going to spend my time teaching children basic right from wrong and social etiquette, and having that keep me from my writing, then I’d rather it was my own children, and not some ungrateful bastards i dont love.
Everything is resolved now and were ”friends” or at least ”friendly” again. On the evening we finally resolved things, I was feeling relieved about it. Now all i feel is resentment. Its such a huge waste of my time. I’m already middle aged, and I dont want to pretend to be a teenager all my life.
The problem with unmarried women is, you can’t be their friend, because if you do they are going to try to fuck you. And if you dont want to fuck them, they will resent you for it and take small revenges, until they provoke you into being angry and sexy. There can be no peace between our races. She will always try to provoke you. Its biological. Any kindness you show her is cruelty.
I’m visiting my parents for the holidays. I stayed a couple of days with my mom first, now I’m at my dads. I’ve been here for a little more than a day. Here I can write. The weight on my mind just plain isnt there. I was going to go home tomorrow to better look for apartments, but I’ve also come around to thinking that maybe my time is better spent here.