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Crusader Bashir's avatar

I was on the train; and two school children; high school, as if that were a real place. They were talking about drama, and being an alcoholic. I heard a similar conversation, by two different school children, talking about doing weed before school, and hiding it from their parents.

Often, I think I might be a coward, that I'm so full of fear of being real. But I look around, and everyone else is pretending to be real, talking about fake nonsense. Barbie, and Oppenheimer, and other nonsense. Not real. Illusions, both about being perverts and how it's okay to be perverts. Gross movies. I don't want to be a pervert, I want to be a real boy. But it makes one feel accepted that their also a pervert, that it's okay to be fine looking at some woman's breasts; a woman you don't know. Through a screen, further unreality. Porn.

After seeing Oppenheimer, I went to a formal dance, and there were performances there. People doing clorographed dancing, and they were barely more dressed. I didn't watch many of the performances. I averted my gaze, or looked at my phone. I probably should've left, but I didn't. Instead I talked to the guys hired to film the sets. Talking shop; I'm a film guy myself after all. Far more interesting than the actual dances.

On twitter, there's a guy known as Christian B. Wagner. A catholic apologist. Some time ago, maybe a couple weeks, he said that dancing was anti-christian. That they had been condemned by various saints and popes. Around that time, either a week before or a week after, he said something about how the reformation paintings were disgusting; that showing biblical characters in the nude is disgusting, and not what they would appreciate, and he referred to various figures from the time who said that.

Well, after the dance, it occured to me that he was right of course. It is gross to dance with anyone but your wife. Pre-marital dancing is not something worth doing; it's not good to know another person's body like that, unless you have sworn an oath to them. Dancing is sex, but more acceptable to do in public. Too immodest.

Wagner received a lot of flak for what he said, but he held true to his position. Twitter isn't real. It doesn't matter what Twitter people say, twitter accounts aren't real. It only matters what God wants.

Ultimately, the trick is to realise real life isn't real either. The world, ever since the fall, has been fake and gay. Unreality is the real world. Only a few less abstractions than the fake internet world. Only Heaven is real. Only God is real. Everything else is fictions we tell each other. That's why we need Jesus I suppose. Nothing here is real. Everyone here is pretending to be real.

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Gabor's avatar

Writing from my anon account.

I have a strange feeling reading your posts. I have a suspicion that it's another version of me writing these paragraphs. Like in the movie Interstellar (spoiler), when a "ghost" is communicating with the daughter only to find out later that it's her father from another dimension. English isn't even my first language, but I still feel the same.

Regarding guilt: fortunately, I have a Christian father, a Christian family, and live in a Christian nation (if you can call Hungary that). I have a wife and a small kid. This ought to make my life easier, but the guilt is worse. I've been rolling in my own shit, but can't even say my father failed me. No-one failed me but myself. And that's a miserable state of being.

I've been a porn addict for a long time, and your other posts regarding this matter was also enlightening. (Unfortunately, only from an intellectual standpoint – I haven't digested it.) I'm also torn between being struggling so much with trivial, nonsensical stuff, while being intelligent and – in a sense – wise despite being young. I get the same feeling from your writings: so much wisdom that you're almost ashamed to tell them next to your personal struggles.

I reached the same conclusion when dealing with the same problem: the alternative is not doing anything. Which is the worst. But I feel like a fraud, all the time. No-one notices though.

I'm glad you decided to write this post. I have a smell for fake stuff and I haven't read anything fake coming from your writings ever. Maybe we also needed a kicking while being down. And you, sir, kicked me well. God bless you.

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