Jul 24, 2023·edited Jul 24, 2023Liked by Egg Report
Writing from my anon account.
I have a strange feeling reading your posts. I have a suspicion that it's another version of me writing these paragraphs. Like in the movie Interstellar (spoiler), when a "ghost" is communicating with the daughter only to find out later that it's her father from another dimension. English isn't even my first language, but I still feel the same.
Regarding guilt: fortunately, I have a Christian father, a Christian family, and live in a Christian nation (if you can call Hungary that). I have a wife and a small kid. This ought to make my life easier, but the guilt is worse. I've been rolling in my own shit, but can't even say my father failed me. No-one failed me but myself. And that's a miserable state of being.
I've been a porn addict for a long time, and your other posts regarding this matter was also enlightening. (Unfortunately, only from an intellectual standpoint – I haven't digested it.) I'm also torn between being struggling so much with trivial, nonsensical stuff, while being intelligent and – in a sense – wise despite being young. I get the same feeling from your writings: so much wisdom that you're almost ashamed to tell them next to your personal struggles.
I reached the same conclusion when dealing with the same problem: the alternative is not doing anything. Which is the worst. But I feel like a fraud, all the time. No-one notices though.
I'm glad you decided to write this post. I have a smell for fake stuff and I haven't read anything fake coming from your writings ever. Maybe we also needed a kicking while being down. And you, sir, kicked me well. God bless you.
I was on the train; and two school children; high school, as if that were a real place. They were talking about drama, and being an alcoholic. I heard a similar conversation, by two different school children, talking about doing weed before school, and hiding it from their parents.
Often, I think I might be a coward, that I'm so full of fear of being real. But I look around, and everyone else is pretending to be real, talking about fake nonsense. Barbie, and Oppenheimer, and other nonsense. Not real. Illusions, both about being perverts and how it's okay to be perverts. Gross movies. I don't want to be a pervert, I want to be a real boy. But it makes one feel accepted that their also a pervert, that it's okay to be fine looking at some woman's breasts; a woman you don't know. Through a screen, further unreality. Porn.
After seeing Oppenheimer, I went to a formal dance, and there were performances there. People doing clorographed dancing, and they were barely more dressed. I didn't watch many of the performances. I averted my gaze, or looked at my phone. I probably should've left, but I didn't. Instead I talked to the guys hired to film the sets. Talking shop; I'm a film guy myself after all. Far more interesting than the actual dances.
On twitter, there's a guy known as Christian B. Wagner. A catholic apologist. Some time ago, maybe a couple weeks, he said that dancing was anti-christian. That they had been condemned by various saints and popes. Around that time, either a week before or a week after, he said something about how the reformation paintings were disgusting; that showing biblical characters in the nude is disgusting, and not what they would appreciate, and he referred to various figures from the time who said that.
Well, after the dance, it occured to me that he was right of course. It is gross to dance with anyone but your wife. Pre-marital dancing is not something worth doing; it's not good to know another person's body like that, unless you have sworn an oath to them. Dancing is sex, but more acceptable to do in public. Too immodest.
Wagner received a lot of flak for what he said, but he held true to his position. Twitter isn't real. It doesn't matter what Twitter people say, twitter accounts aren't real. It only matters what God wants.
Ultimately, the trick is to realise real life isn't real either. The world, ever since the fall, has been fake and gay. Unreality is the real world. Only a few less abstractions than the fake internet world. Only Heaven is real. Only God is real. Everything else is fictions we tell each other. That's why we need Jesus I suppose. Nothing here is real. Everyone here is pretending to be real.
Retreating to an abstract, comfortable delusion instead of engaging with the immanent? Check
Puritanical hatred of sexuality and vitality? Check
Word salad? Check
Diagnosis? Extremely online catholic teenager
Look, there’s nothing wrong with finding your normie peers lacking--they’re normies, of course they lack. There isn’t even anything wrong with having extreme and strict sexual tastes. What *is* wrong is your last paragraph. The men of the past who instituted modesty and chivalry literally fought wars against people who dismissed the material world as “unreal”, gnostic heretics. More importantly, they *fought wars*, seized power and shaped their environment to conform to their tastes. They didn’t write anonymous tradcath teenager screeds to cope with how disgusting their world was.
Basically it’s OP’s post’s initial point all over again. You fundamentally lack motivation, so you complain and rationalize instead of acting and achieving your goals.
Hopefully this is just because you are a youth. If not, it’s time to break some difficult habits. If so, I pray you develop in power and the Holy Spirit guides you to do greater things than these
I think you misunderstood my point; which is fair enough, I was really just writing for myself, and to think through my own thoughts.
I'm not sure where you got the idea that I hate sexuality and vitality, both of those things are good, as long as they are guided by and focused on the world. I partner dance, and it took me some time to realise that it's not appropriate pre-marriage.
In regards to the final point, I was making the point that, Heaven, to be with the Lord, is the only truth there is. God is truth, and not the world. Our goal is God, not to rule this world. All our actions must be dedicated to the Lord.
"Irrational guilt, all guilt is technically “irrational”"
What is rational or not doesn't inform what is proper, good, moral, etc. The purpose of guilt, rational or no, is to inform us that something is awry in a relationship with others. A problem might be false guilt, but otherwise it is pointing us to an error.
Is there a mathematical formula or a logical proposition to let us know which it is?
An example: I use a pair of questions to narrow down if someone is asking the right people on a technical matter. They take offense, and reply in such a way designed to incite guilt in me. Was there an error in my method, in my word choice, etc. How would we know from a coldly rational perspective? If we take their feeling as true, which it is to them, how should it be weighed?
Likewise, we can be technically or legally in the right but cause damage to someone intentionally. Should we feel guilty?
I didn't want to have children at all because I know the bad behaviors of parents normally are passed on to the following generation .
My ex wife sandbagged me to get pregnant and it's been a long bittersweet event .
My son is doing far better than I in most things but has personality issues that duplicate his mother and my parents and siblings, this causes me endless sorrow .
I am also often told point blank " your son is an asshole Nate" .
Not a thing any caring parent wants to hear and exactly what I was most afraid of in having children .
This sounds like someone who's swishing some black anger in their mouth really quietly but wants to sort of legitimize their feelings by projecting it onto the statues of the past. I may be wrong though
Another banger 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
Your best yet
"Fundamentally I lack motivation"
That is also my biggest issue. I don't put any effort into anything. I often think what I could have achieved if I were more motivated.
Writing from my anon account.
I have a strange feeling reading your posts. I have a suspicion that it's another version of me writing these paragraphs. Like in the movie Interstellar (spoiler), when a "ghost" is communicating with the daughter only to find out later that it's her father from another dimension. English isn't even my first language, but I still feel the same.
Regarding guilt: fortunately, I have a Christian father, a Christian family, and live in a Christian nation (if you can call Hungary that). I have a wife and a small kid. This ought to make my life easier, but the guilt is worse. I've been rolling in my own shit, but can't even say my father failed me. No-one failed me but myself. And that's a miserable state of being.
I've been a porn addict for a long time, and your other posts regarding this matter was also enlightening. (Unfortunately, only from an intellectual standpoint – I haven't digested it.) I'm also torn between being struggling so much with trivial, nonsensical stuff, while being intelligent and – in a sense – wise despite being young. I get the same feeling from your writings: so much wisdom that you're almost ashamed to tell them next to your personal struggles.
I reached the same conclusion when dealing with the same problem: the alternative is not doing anything. Which is the worst. But I feel like a fraud, all the time. No-one notices though.
I'm glad you decided to write this post. I have a smell for fake stuff and I haven't read anything fake coming from your writings ever. Maybe we also needed a kicking while being down. And you, sir, kicked me well. God bless you.
didnt read your post but i'm thinking about myself rn instead of being a better person
or even a person
you really are like your father, and we're all you on the other end of the phone
I was on the train; and two school children; high school, as if that were a real place. They were talking about drama, and being an alcoholic. I heard a similar conversation, by two different school children, talking about doing weed before school, and hiding it from their parents.
Often, I think I might be a coward, that I'm so full of fear of being real. But I look around, and everyone else is pretending to be real, talking about fake nonsense. Barbie, and Oppenheimer, and other nonsense. Not real. Illusions, both about being perverts and how it's okay to be perverts. Gross movies. I don't want to be a pervert, I want to be a real boy. But it makes one feel accepted that their also a pervert, that it's okay to be fine looking at some woman's breasts; a woman you don't know. Through a screen, further unreality. Porn.
After seeing Oppenheimer, I went to a formal dance, and there were performances there. People doing clorographed dancing, and they were barely more dressed. I didn't watch many of the performances. I averted my gaze, or looked at my phone. I probably should've left, but I didn't. Instead I talked to the guys hired to film the sets. Talking shop; I'm a film guy myself after all. Far more interesting than the actual dances.
On twitter, there's a guy known as Christian B. Wagner. A catholic apologist. Some time ago, maybe a couple weeks, he said that dancing was anti-christian. That they had been condemned by various saints and popes. Around that time, either a week before or a week after, he said something about how the reformation paintings were disgusting; that showing biblical characters in the nude is disgusting, and not what they would appreciate, and he referred to various figures from the time who said that.
Well, after the dance, it occured to me that he was right of course. It is gross to dance with anyone but your wife. Pre-marital dancing is not something worth doing; it's not good to know another person's body like that, unless you have sworn an oath to them. Dancing is sex, but more acceptable to do in public. Too immodest.
Wagner received a lot of flak for what he said, but he held true to his position. Twitter isn't real. It doesn't matter what Twitter people say, twitter accounts aren't real. It only matters what God wants.
Ultimately, the trick is to realise real life isn't real either. The world, ever since the fall, has been fake and gay. Unreality is the real world. Only a few less abstractions than the fake internet world. Only Heaven is real. Only God is real. Everything else is fictions we tell each other. That's why we need Jesus I suppose. Nothing here is real. Everyone here is pretending to be real.
Retreating to an abstract, comfortable delusion instead of engaging with the immanent? Check
Puritanical hatred of sexuality and vitality? Check
Word salad? Check
Diagnosis? Extremely online catholic teenager
Look, there’s nothing wrong with finding your normie peers lacking--they’re normies, of course they lack. There isn’t even anything wrong with having extreme and strict sexual tastes. What *is* wrong is your last paragraph. The men of the past who instituted modesty and chivalry literally fought wars against people who dismissed the material world as “unreal”, gnostic heretics. More importantly, they *fought wars*, seized power and shaped their environment to conform to their tastes. They didn’t write anonymous tradcath teenager screeds to cope with how disgusting their world was.
Basically it’s OP’s post’s initial point all over again. You fundamentally lack motivation, so you complain and rationalize instead of acting and achieving your goals.
Hopefully this is just because you are a youth. If not, it’s time to break some difficult habits. If so, I pray you develop in power and the Holy Spirit guides you to do greater things than these
I think you misunderstood my point; which is fair enough, I was really just writing for myself, and to think through my own thoughts.
I'm not sure where you got the idea that I hate sexuality and vitality, both of those things are good, as long as they are guided by and focused on the world. I partner dance, and it took me some time to realise that it's not appropriate pre-marriage.
In regards to the final point, I was making the point that, Heaven, to be with the Lord, is the only truth there is. God is truth, and not the world. Our goal is God, not to rule this world. All our actions must be dedicated to the Lord.
Very well written. I wish you the best of luck with what you are wrestling.
"Writer’s block isn’t real, you’re just a coward who’s afraid to write about what you care about"
I like that. Like a good slap 😆
" and it would be better to live in a Christian town, and it would be better to live in a Christian nation. "
This is so but my complaint is that almost everyone who insists on telling me they're !CHRISTIAN! before anything else, never act like one .
The rest is deep and I'm not sure how to respond but I'll keep reading and thinking .
-Nate
"Irrational guilt, all guilt is technically “irrational”"
What is rational or not doesn't inform what is proper, good, moral, etc. The purpose of guilt, rational or no, is to inform us that something is awry in a relationship with others. A problem might be false guilt, but otherwise it is pointing us to an error.
As long as it's indicating an error, I don't think it's irrational .
-Nate
Is there a mathematical formula or a logical proposition to let us know which it is?
An example: I use a pair of questions to narrow down if someone is asking the right people on a technical matter. They take offense, and reply in such a way designed to incite guilt in me. Was there an error in my method, in my word choice, etc. How would we know from a coldly rational perspective? If we take their feeling as true, which it is to them, how should it be weighed?
Likewise, we can be technically or legally in the right but cause damage to someone intentionally. Should we feel guilty?
I don't have any answer but that's a thought provoking question .
IMO this question has a different answer for each person ~ no one size fits all answer .
-Nate
Fathers ~
I didn't want to have children at all because I know the bad behaviors of parents normally are passed on to the following generation .
My ex wife sandbagged me to get pregnant and it's been a long bittersweet event .
My son is doing far better than I in most things but has personality issues that duplicate his mother and my parents and siblings, this causes me endless sorrow .
I am also often told point blank " your son is an asshole Nate" .
Not a thing any caring parent wants to hear and exactly what I was most afraid of in having children .
-Nate
You have a very deep understanding of human psychology.
This sounds like someone who's swishing some black anger in their mouth really quietly but wants to sort of legitimize their feelings by projecting it onto the statues of the past. I may be wrong though