dear diary 4: calling it doesnt change it

happy one week of no nicotine

I feel like I've hurt everyone I ever liked and that my contribution to peoples lives is a net loss. I feel like my contribution to other people’s lives is equivalent of alcohols contribution to my own. Sorry about that. I totally didn’t mean to. Really sorry about that. My bad. I was just trying to have a little fun and make some little jokes.

I don’t want to get all meta about it again and constantly be talking about ”writing a blog on the internet” and that kind of thing, because I want the blog to be about things and not about blogs. But today that’s what’s on the menu. It matters to me and it’s an important part of my life. So there.

A pretty woman with large breasts and hips flirted with me today and I just absolutely do not give a shit. i literally dont care any more, I feel like, at this point the only thing I have left is proving some kind of point about my "creative ability" and making myself financially sustainable by writing a sex blog, and then after that, I don't know.

People ask me, ”how’s the sex blog”, and I say actually it’s going pretty well. You know that kind of thing where you work for free to make connections and so on? that’s basically what I did on twitter for 4 years, for e-shilling e-books. And it’s beginning to actually work now, that’s the craziest thing about it. People ask me in jest ”oh so you started writing erotica/porn/smut”? And I say well yes, I like to think everything I write is kind of erotic.

This thing, like, writing to process emotions? Saying it out loud so you can hear how silly you’re being? Articulating the problem in language, to banish it? Naming the demon? ”finding the right answer, so you don’t have to think about it any more?” my whole bit?

Sometimes, that doesn’t work. Sometimes you’re just right. Dasein said it very well in our private communications at one point: ”Calling it doesnt change it”. I think that’s right. And I think that’s the right angle of approach. Calling it doesn’t change it.

I am a reverse hedgehog, with the spikes turned inwards; opening myself up to someone is hurting them, and getting under my skin will hurt you. I’m a bad person. All this bleeding heart, emotions stuff – it’s all a trick, at some level. I haven’t changed it. I’ve only ever called it. That fact is my personality – not whatever particular emotions or touchy feely bullshit I’m going on about at any given moment. The fact that I call it, but I don’t change it.

this is a short delicious tacos post. people like those. I read his little short posts and I say “oh no! he didnt finish it”.

wow if you think about it it’s like a metaphor for how man relates to images and media and how media frames perception. tfw no blind gf