No one is coming to save us

I am scared shitless of Christianity

I have taken some R&R from the spiritual war we live in lately

No one is coming to save us and the only good things that will happen in your life are the things that you make happen.

It is not for her sake, or for his sake, that we say “You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife”. It is for your sake. It is lifestyle advice. It is a way out. Morality is not a pain we inflict on ourselves for the sake of others, it is a great joy. The moral action is it’s own reward - this is not a fancy way of saying “it sucks but just suck it up” - it literally means, it is its own reward. I have previously talked about my conception of “karma” as a sinful action being it’s own punishment - its the same thing. You are not punished for doing bad stuff, it’s the doing-bad-stuff that is the punishment. Likewise, it’s not doing good stuff to get some future reward, or to sacrifice yourself for others, which is really the same idea just with space instead of time - the “reward” is “out there”, extended from you in spacetime. That’s not how it works.

You shy away from it because you don't deserve it. You covet your neighbours wife, because you don’t think you deserve to be a righteous, upstanding, moral individual. You don’t think you are worthy of it. You don’t think you deserve being a good person. So you covet, or whatever it is for you. I covet. I covet real bad.

It is prideful, because it is valuing your own judgement of yourself above god’s. “I am irredeemable, I am undeserving of redemption”, you say, and put yourself as a higher authority than God. If you were to submit, you would simply stop coveting. And you would be happier for it. You reject love and forgiveness, out of pride, because you would rather be miserable and lonely. To accept God’s forgiveness takes a lot of gumption.

I am scared shitless of Christianity

I got what I asked for and God came to me in the way I could most clearly see him. As a joke, as a weird language quirk.

These tweets are about porn. More precisely about my discovery that once you accept morality as being real, I cant actually look at it any more. I can’t bring myself to do it. I have even specifically wanted to, chosen to, decided that i was going to go home and do just that. And I can’t. it just doesn’t hit any more. I find it disgusting, and I can’t drown the disgust out or distract myself from it. I have deliberately and purposefully set out to attempt to do so, and i just cant. Every day it gets more difficult for me. And its not a hormone problem because I am still very, very horny.

I am scared shitless of Christianity.

The one rule i followed during what was probably the best time of my adult life, was “always do the one thing you are most afraid to do”. It is paradoxically a lot easier to do the thing you are most afraid of, than to do small inconveniences. If you want to change, it is easier to change a lot, than little by little.

"always do the one thing you are most afraid to do" applied to quitting drinking, public speaking, being honest with strangers, talking to girls, and it took me from drinking alone in a small room on a loft for 6 months, to a career, prestige and a long term girlfriend.

I am scared shitless of Christianity.

My first popular piece of writing on the internet was called “Are you happy?”, and refers to me posing the question to a woman I used to know, after a particularly embarrassing public show of defiance of love, a person destroying and humiliating themselves as if to hurt God’s feelings.

The real question is, Do you even truly want to be? It is my estimation that most people don't. They don’t want to win, they just want you to play their game. In this case that means, they don’t want to win, they just want to drag you down with them.

It's open secret in modernity that happiness is supposed to be a spook. You can never be happy, you only "think" you are. "happiness" is a enjoyable delusion, which can be deconstructed, identified, and reconstructed alchemically. The purpose of life is to induce yourself as much pleasant hallucination as possible.

“Ethically sourced” porn is vegan meat. It will never sell, because the evil is the point. You don’t actually look at it for the bobs & vagine. You look at it because it’s evil. You only get off on it, because you recognize that it is evil.

Once you truly reject evil, its not only easy. It’s a non-issue. It’s so far downstream from the real stuff that you don’t even really think about it.

"You can't just leave without saying goodbye"

I had decided to visit a certain church last weekend that’s a ways away, but I had to postpone it, because i was invited to a party. I don’t go out much any more and i figured i should, for my own sake, as well as that it was something i owed that particular group of people.

My neighbours wife was there, and went out of her way to spend time with me, find me, join my table. Engage with me. I think she takes pity on me, and sees me as a kind of big cuddly autistic teddy bear. She likes me a lot. Her boyfriend is lukewarm on me, I think.

When I was small, we had a dog that didn’t like girls. Hunting dog, generally well behaved, but due to some early puppy trauma, he didn’t like women trying to cuddle him, and scared a couple of kids who thought he was a big cuddly teddy bear. My dad would always make that comparison, and how you had to protect girls from their misguided preconceptions: “they think he is a big teddy bear, they don’t realise he is a wild animal, and a sick vicious killer”.

I snuck out of the party at around 11, because people were starting to get rowdy and there was an open bar, and I was tired, anxious, and envious. Envious at how everyone else gets to drink, gets to have smooth and easy socialisation, gets to laugh about stuff I don’t think is funny. I don’t think I need to explain it, if you are reading this, you get it already. I can play along for a bit, but I don’t get anything out of it. I’d like to say that it was an alcoholism thing, and if anyone ever asks me, that would have been my excuse. “Oh people were getting a bit rowdy and I’m a bit winter-sad, and I didn’t feel like it was a good idea for me to be near an open bar”. But that would just be an easy, polite excuse.

I just stood around for a while not really talking to anyone, thinking about what my chances were with another girl, until finally deciding that I was too tired and anxious and envious for anything, that I have nothing in common with these people, and it is an exercise in futility to try to fit in.

Then grabbing my jacket, and just sort of slipping out the door, as if I was just going out for a cigarette. I said goodbye to the couple of people outside who were smoking cigarettes, but rushed away without even giving my great explanation, and instead just wishing them a good night. My neighbours wife’s boyfriend called out to me and said, jokingly, that I was a poor sport, and I should stay and get fucked up. He doesn’t know I don’t drink.

When I left work today, I thought I was alone in the kitchen, so I closed everything down, and left. Two steps out the door, the door opens behind me, and he’s there yelling at me, as a kind of ironic joke: “you can’t just leave without saying goodbye”. He didn’t intend to make the literary connection that you and I are now currently enjoying.

That really nails it. Everybody likes me. My loneliness is not a product of some defect in others. It is because I don't love "them".

I am scared shitless of Christianity.