Please remind me to have a doctor look at the skin cancer on my leg some time in the coming days
I just cant be bothered right now
there are lots of things I want to say to you, and to say in great detail. this is less of that and more of public auto-surgery. speaking off, I once cut off a mole of mine just to see what would happen. anyways.
things are going pretty well. I have successfully infiltrated normality. I’m making “stacks” as they say. I’m even using my superior intelligence to make money out of money, and exploiting systems and people. I’m several weeks into no nicotine, the savings from which is like, half my entire budget. combined with my income, ridiculous. Bro I’m making savings.
every day I just feel more destroyed and depressed as things in every measurable way get better for me. I’m of two minds about it. material and meaningful. the material explanation goes something like this:
When I was a young man fresh out of brain damage school, I discovered that coffee made me feel “normal” cognitively, like I could “think” as “fast” as I felt like I “ought to”. Finally quitting nicotine, I feel like now I’m just back in my “natural state” of being less-than. This complete demoralisation is just the way I’m supposed to feel, because I’m handicapped. <— this is an anxious thought.
The meaningful explanation goes something like this: “the closer you get to the object of desire, the more the distance between you is affirmed”. “I was already feeling like this, this is simply the healthy process of actually facing and feeling my emotions, instead of running away from them, drowning them out, or distracting myself with hyperstimulation.”
Who’s to say, could be either one. Anyways I’m building an empire now. whatever. who cares. just quit bugging me about it.
I had a little moment today in a convenience store. I was watching two people talk, the clerk and an old guy, customer. And just listening to them. And I realised that I am actually a genius. Like you try to make excuses for yourself, you try to belittle yourself, try all kinds of things, but there it is. Like it’s a rude thing to think about, to say. to believe. but I’m just, I’m listening to these people, and they’re talking about this receipt, can I get the receipt? Didnt I already give you one? No you didn’t. then they both rummage. lo and behold, he finds he already got one and put it in his bag.
something about it, something about the way they spoke. conviction. like I know you’re not supposed to, it’s cliché and in bad taste and all to say that you’re the übermench, you’re supposed to be humble and say that the übermench is an ideal or theoretical construct or a one in a million individual, that not even nietzche himself lived up to/was. but there’s no two ways around it. I’m a genius. you forget how the real world works in your little enclaves, your little universities or art collectives or in-groups or internet book clubs. you forget the reason you went out of your way to find a place like that to belong to in the first place.
Humility is a virtue, the prime virtue even I think, but this fake humility stuff is a sin.
I’m visiting my uncle in hospital on monday. I’m told I’m allowed to put him in a chair and go for a walk, I think that’ll be good. He’s hallucinating and delirious, they tell me. Sees a cat that isn’t there, they tell me. “says he’s seeing a man in a suit with wings and horns and a tail”, they tell me.
When his mother, my grandmother, died many years ago in a hospital from lung cancer, “A tree told me she died”, my uncle told me. “I was walking through [Park] to visit her, and I looked at this three, and for some reason I just knew”. And then he went to the hospital and found out he was right.
Anyways that’s not the point. There’s some ESP in my family. what about it. my dad thinks he can astrally project. wanna fight about it?
my dad, uncle and grandad all had the same skin cancer, on the same spot on the thigh. I don’t exactly remember where, just that it was the thigh. I noticed a little spot. it’s probably nothing.
Humility isn't about pretending you aren't something you are, it's about recognizing that your talents are gifts from God and should be used for the greater glory of God. It is also about recognizing that you are not ~better~ in some way for having been so gifted, and that those who haven't been gifted as much or in the same way aren't somehow less your neighbor, less deserving of charity, less human even because of that.
love u budday