The Grail

Identity, Porn, Heresy

I ask her, “Am I in your way?”. I didn't know whether she was waiting for me to finish putting stuff on the shelves so she could move past me, or just standing around killing time for a minute. “I’m just enjoying the view” she says.

If anyone else had told me that story, I would tell them: Bro. What are you talking about. She literally said it. If my internet weirdo friends told me that story in twitter dm’s, and said “oh man I just don’t know what it MEANS”, I would instantly and with perfect certainty proclaim: Bro. Come on. It’s obvious. Removed from the situation, my judgment is clear and autistic. I would say: If there is any doubt at all, she likes you. If there was nothing, she would even notice you exist. Women only register you if they see you as a sexual object. You are entirely invisible to them otherwise.

Yet in the moment, I am riddled with doubt. A disconnect there. I’m so sure of things, I talk with absoluteness and certainty about, explicitly, man-woman relations, all the time. And yet in person, I’m as frail and insecure as everyone else. What does it mean? What did she mean by this?

What is identity?

Identity is self-knowledge is self-naming is autonomy is action.

You are what you do, not what you think about it. I think with certainty but act – barely act at all – with great, great caution.

What am I?

“Enjoying the view”

Am I sexually attractive?

I don’t think so. I don’t feel so. I can’t “believe” it. And yet action confirms it.

A coward. A sexy coward, but a coward none the less.

Insofar as you have a “self” or an “identity” separate from your historical manifestation, it is your realm of possible action.

I call semen retention “questing for the grail”, as a joke. I did so originally as a spin off on a different joke, that is, admittedly, reddit. Some post on some forum calling masturbation “spilling the cup of Hermes” and making an ad hoc pseudo-esoteric interpretation talking about chakras in flowery language. I didn't want to ever spell it out, because I feel like spelling things out is what makes things reddit in the first place. Insecurity in interpretation, a distrust in the reader.

What is the grail?

In the early-ish 4chan days, at some point in the porn world, there was this phenomenon dubbed “the holy grail of porn”, which was a “lost” recording of a short girl with reasonably big tits. The story went, after participating in a casting couch style porno, her family had somehow heard about it and had sued the production company into not releasing the tape. There was a trailer released. And so the story was: that’s the holy grail of porn. An unreachable artefact of a very cute, odd-looking girl. I was exposed to the myth by recurring threads on /b/, expressing a kind of ironic mourning of the lost treasure that never was. Around maybe 2006-10ish. If I remember it right.

The tapes were eventually released, or leaked, of course. And when we all finally saw it, it was of course very underwhelming. All porn addicts are Buddhists: it’s about the journey not the destination, they say. That’s how edging was invented, in an attempt to circumvent the problem of desire.

Am I sexually attractive?

Objet petit a.

“Just enjoying the view”

Identity is a conflation of action and desire. The modern notion of identity is an abstraction produced by the fusing of action and desire, by people of weak desire and weak, well, -ness. Weak ability. Male lifestyle gurus talk at length about the weakness of modern men. The Grail is not what we desire. The Last Psychiatrist and Zizek talk at length about the weakness of modern mans desire. The Grail is not knowing what we desire. The Grail is not knowing how to desire. But it’s getting warmer.

Consumer society, the internet, the entertainment industry – all of these things function on the premise that your identity is your desires, that desire is all. Most electronics, most machines, rob you of your Will, and hyper-stimulate desire to make up for it. All machines are a dildo fucking itself. To masturbate is to try to desire hard enough to make up for your lack of will, to desire your own desire.

What is Identity?

I AM is an attempt to simultaneously say I WANT and I DO.

Who am I? Insofar as I am anything, I am An alignment of Will and Desire. I have a weak personality because I have a weak Will and a weak Desire.

“Do You Take This Woman To Be Your Wife?”

“I do.”

The ritual of Marriage is an alignment of Will and Desire: You change your name: Self-naming: Autonomy.

I think Jesus of Nazareth was a 9000 IQ super autist. This is not a “truth claim”, it is just an attempt to explain a “mode” of thinking. it’s not a historical claim. I don't believe in history and I don't believe in materialism.

I think Jesus was a 10.000 IQ super autist, who, like some people are “one in a million”, like you and I are maybe “one in 10.000” type fellas, he just happened to be the ultimate “one in x”, where x = [all of humans who will ever live]. Well-read in all available religious, scholarly texts, and much lost to us today, who knows, maybe he even went to India for a while. I’m talking, the most human potential there will ever be, with the fullest extent of knowledge. Obscure, esoteric knowledge, hyperborean, Atlantean knowledge, lost to us today. Everything.

Who then at thirty went out to the desert to his cousin John, and had a near death experience by deliberate drowning, causing an out of body experience. BUT, because he was such a PHYSICAL BEAST, he went so far to the other side that he experienced the world outside of time, perceiving all of time there ever was and ever will be, and was able to perceive all things in ultimate detail, and then came back. And then when he did, he was the one person in all of history who will ever have to potential to return and have the mental capacity to retain enough of it and articulate a path forward where every action taken was optimized for the salvation of mankind, through leading by example. Knowing that only He would ever be in a position to do it, that he was the perfect human, knowing that he was uniquely capable of conducting this mission, in complete alignment with the Will of God. Which included retaining the knowledge of how to retain his form and sentience in the OOBE, after death. And in so doing, be the first and lead the way for others through him to exist in this resurrected form. Something like that, not literally that. Stop burning me at the stake okay its rhetorical

What is the Grail?

The Eucharist is drinking from his cup. The grail is his cup, drinking his blood. Prayer is aligning your will with his. Prayer is aligning your will with the will of God, and trusting that he was smarter than you, and knows more about it than you.

“Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.”

Jesus’ torture is horrible because it is arbitrary. A man can endure insane, incredible things, if he endures them for a purpose. Purpose makes you able to endure anything. What’s terrifying about the torture of Christ is exactly that it is arbitrary. “could an almighty God just save himself?” - exactly. That’s the point. To be a man is to not have certainty – he may have seen all of time, and seen all human beings there will ever be, and known us fully, and seen through immeasurable calculation and probability, that being tortured and crucified was the only path forward, but as a man, he could not have certainty of it, only faith. Anti-Abraham.

If he was simply a deluded man convinced of his own divinity, there would be no suffering. No meaning. People torture themselves to death in self-worship every single day.

Jerking off is a kind of biohacking. it’s short circuiting your own natural impulses, and instead of directing your Will outwards on the world, neurotically directing your will towards itself, and your desire towards itself. It is prohibited in all primitive religious thought, for this very reason. Biohacking, breaking natural law, which says: direct your Vril towards the world. Go forth and multiply. Go out and build shit. Taking that energy and directing it inwards is satanic, self-worship, a misuse of your body.

The Grail is not “what you desire” nor is it “how” or “knowing”. The grail is being your desire, incorporating it fully in every aspect. Entering into a state of being where your will and desire is perfectly synonymous. Mankind is not “the rational animal”. That’s bullshit. Animals are rational, animals are perfectly rational, optimizing. They just work on a limited, incomplete data set. Mankind is the irrational animal, man is the only being that is capable of irrationality. The rational response to knowing that you can produce endorphins by jerking your cock, as an input-output optimization calculation, is to jerk off. It is rational to sacrifice the future for the present. The future is unknown and uncertain. It is irrational to sacrifice the present for some abstract future. It is rational to be afraid of kissing a girl – she might reject you. It is irrational to risk it anyways.

I don’t even feel horny any more. Not really. That’s not really what it is. I feel bored and directionless. As long as you have something to do, it’s literally a non issue. It was never about anything other than killing time.

The way you use social media, and lets not call it social media, lets call it algorithmic procedural propagantainment-surveillance – is, you don’t actually get “mad online”. You use it to pretend to be mad online, to trick yourself into being mad online.

You don’t jerk off because you are horny. You jerk off because you aren’t, and by acting it all out, you can pretend you are.

When youre really horny, when you are actually horny, is the moment you make a spur off the moment decision and say some wild shit to a girl. It’s when you, without even thinking about it, lift her, or touch her, or pull her pig tails. When youre young. When you don’t even think about what you’re saying. When the other day without even thinking about it I lifted a different girl up by the hips, instead of getting something from the shelf for her, just because it thought it would be a funny joke.

Jerking off is not a case of “I’m horny, I need to be less horny so I can clear my head”. It’s a case of pretending to be horny, to convince yourself that you are still full of vitality and not just a dead empty sack of meat, like you feel like when you come home alone. And you don’t know what to do about it. When you’re bored and directionless.

Being horny is when a girl at work tells you she’s enjoying the view, and you are struck with blindness from cum filling up your entire body from the balls up, so your eyes glaze over and get all milky.

I was struck with paulican blindness on my way to damascus, and I now need Jesus to restore my sight.

Questing for the grail is part of the behaviour needed to get into heaven/follow Christ/become a sick physical beast/hyperborean.

I haven't jerked off in eleven days. This text is why they want you to. They don't want you to know this. They don’t want you to think like this.

“who am I?”

Just enjoying the view.