unironically just told a friend earlier today that a pattern in my dating life is that after a little while i slowly start to convince myself to hate my partner. and that i think its bc i fear losing some existential power if i submit myself wholly. her response was almost exactly what you said.
That's fucked up man. Probably we need war during our early twenties, but don't have it so we become antinomian instead.
Try dating a feminist and an atheist, and having your church bar you from becoming a member because of it. All I hear from some of the guys is that my soul is in danger and that my actions prove that I don't actually love God. Soul status: endangered as fuck. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
There is no such thing as a purely "good" or "bad" person.
You did not break this girl you dated in college.
What happened was, you two were like misshapen lego pieces,
you don't fit most of the other blocks in the box, but you fit each other well enough.
Over time, though, connecting and disconnecting misshapen lego blocks causes them to alter each other,
Maybe they become too loose to join properly, or they join too tightly.
So you made a forceful break, and maybe it truly hurt her, and maybe you could call it evil.
But here's the thing:
To get to this place, she also had to do some evil things, at least to herself.
You don't think there weren't warning signs written all over the walls?
Signs that her boyfriend perhaps wasn't exactly the vision she laid out for herself?
No 'mistreatment', not even erratic behavior?
If nothing else, there is the fact that the boy who claimed to like her and her only also likes casual sex at parties.
The 'good' choice, aka the choice of someone who loves themselves and has a strong sense of self-worth, is to walk away.
Instead, she locked you down because you told her she was special and she was afraid that if you two didn't couple up, she would never know why.
Then again, she was in her 20s, and so were you, and it's actually mostly okay.
We are all SMART misshapen lego pieces, in a box of near-infinite pieces.
SMART in the sense that there are way too many unnecessary features for our primary functions, so most of them get infected with malware.
SMART because the malware convinces us to take credit for how we ended up misshapen and for the further misshaping of other pieces we come into contact with.
But also SMART because we know on some level what the joining of two proper pieces looks like.
SMART enough to recognize potential.
Even if a perfect joining is never possible, we are smart enough to find a close enough fit and, with a little heat and a little cold, shape ourselves into what we need to be to merge,
If not forever, then at least long enough to get closer to our ideal shapes.
I'm not asking you to forgive me, that's not the point. it's not about approaching it rationally and solving it like a puzzle. puzzlesolving is what got us into this whole mess to begin with
Sorry that was rude. You're trying to make me feel better, thank you. But I already do feel better. The realisation, putting it into words, already made me feel better. I write it here in the hopes that others might relate and have a similar epiphany, and release
Not at all, I appreciate your candor. Ultimately, I'm just trying to do the same thing. As you said some time ago, it's just nice to know there are others out there who think about these things and be able to exchange thoughts with them.
I thought a bit more about why you wrote what you did. I think I get it now. Part of what you do is performative, so when I tell you in the comments "it's okay", what I might also be doing is telling your readers, who have not had the same epiphanies and completed the same journey, that "it's okay". This makes them not make the trip, not introspect, and not realize that it's only okay if they learn and act and improve.
I come offering a salve for your scars (too late) which are useless to your readers who have yet to realize they are wounded (too early).
Apologies for being poetical (if you can even call it that, perhaps we can just say 'metaphorical'). I didn't think I was communicating rationally, I really was trying to be honest, hence the metaphor because logic can't express what I'm trying to get at.
Anyway, what I can say is that I don't believe this woman was innocent, or that you 'caused' this any more than she did. She told you, "I can't see anyone right now." And then she chose otherwise.
And even if you were the sole cause, all you can do is keep doing what you're doing with an eye towards getting to a better place somewhere down the line. It also feels like this whole, "risking everything" as a gauge for what will constitute "a good relationship" and salvation is another form of setting yourself up for failure. To put everything on the line for what must be a long string of shared mundane moments punctuated by disagreements and tenderness just makes it all seem anticlimactic.
But what do I know? I'm just a married guy who mistook, "I wish you would be a better planner" to mean "propose." Then I followed the "happy wife, happy life" principle and gradually realized that occasionally doing stuff without being asked softens the things I totally forget and keeps the glimmer of "potential" alive. This is what constitutes 'planning' and the fact that she's doing the same in her own way is what constitutes 'caring about each other'.
unironically just told a friend earlier today that a pattern in my dating life is that after a little while i slowly start to convince myself to hate my partner. and that i think its bc i fear losing some existential power if i submit myself wholly. her response was almost exactly what you said.
*stitches, sorry I am very tired and european
It's okay, Europeans are cool.
t. Asian
That's fucked up man. Probably we need war during our early twenties, but don't have it so we become antinomian instead.
Try dating a feminist and an atheist, and having your church bar you from becoming a member because of it. All I hear from some of the guys is that my soul is in danger and that my actions prove that I don't actually love God. Soul status: endangered as fuck. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Some thoughts about the love of your life:
There is no such thing as a purely "good" or "bad" person.
You did not break this girl you dated in college.
What happened was, you two were like misshapen lego pieces,
you don't fit most of the other blocks in the box, but you fit each other well enough.
Over time, though, connecting and disconnecting misshapen lego blocks causes them to alter each other,
Maybe they become too loose to join properly, or they join too tightly.
So you made a forceful break, and maybe it truly hurt her, and maybe you could call it evil.
But here's the thing:
To get to this place, she also had to do some evil things, at least to herself.
You don't think there weren't warning signs written all over the walls?
Signs that her boyfriend perhaps wasn't exactly the vision she laid out for herself?
No 'mistreatment', not even erratic behavior?
If nothing else, there is the fact that the boy who claimed to like her and her only also likes casual sex at parties.
The 'good' choice, aka the choice of someone who loves themselves and has a strong sense of self-worth, is to walk away.
Instead, she locked you down because you told her she was special and she was afraid that if you two didn't couple up, she would never know why.
Then again, she was in her 20s, and so were you, and it's actually mostly okay.
We are all SMART misshapen lego pieces, in a box of near-infinite pieces.
SMART in the sense that there are way too many unnecessary features for our primary functions, so most of them get infected with malware.
SMART because the malware convinces us to take credit for how we ended up misshapen and for the further misshaping of other pieces we come into contact with.
But also SMART because we know on some level what the joining of two proper pieces looks like.
SMART enough to recognize potential.
Even if a perfect joining is never possible, we are smart enough to find a close enough fit and, with a little heat and a little cold, shape ourselves into what we need to be to merge,
If not forever, then at least long enough to get closer to our ideal shapes.
in the politest sense, I disagree and I think you're rationalising and not being honest
I'm not asking you to forgive me, that's not the point. it's not about approaching it rationally and solving it like a puzzle. puzzlesolving is what got us into this whole mess to begin with
Sorry that was rude. You're trying to make me feel better, thank you. But I already do feel better. The realisation, putting it into words, already made me feel better. I write it here in the hopes that others might relate and have a similar epiphany, and release
Not at all, I appreciate your candor. Ultimately, I'm just trying to do the same thing. As you said some time ago, it's just nice to know there are others out there who think about these things and be able to exchange thoughts with them.
I thought a bit more about why you wrote what you did. I think I get it now. Part of what you do is performative, so when I tell you in the comments "it's okay", what I might also be doing is telling your readers, who have not had the same epiphanies and completed the same journey, that "it's okay". This makes them not make the trip, not introspect, and not realize that it's only okay if they learn and act and improve.
I come offering a salve for your scars (too late) which are useless to your readers who have yet to realize they are wounded (too early).
Apologies for being poetical (if you can even call it that, perhaps we can just say 'metaphorical'). I didn't think I was communicating rationally, I really was trying to be honest, hence the metaphor because logic can't express what I'm trying to get at.
Anyway, what I can say is that I don't believe this woman was innocent, or that you 'caused' this any more than she did. She told you, "I can't see anyone right now." And then she chose otherwise.
And even if you were the sole cause, all you can do is keep doing what you're doing with an eye towards getting to a better place somewhere down the line. It also feels like this whole, "risking everything" as a gauge for what will constitute "a good relationship" and salvation is another form of setting yourself up for failure. To put everything on the line for what must be a long string of shared mundane moments punctuated by disagreements and tenderness just makes it all seem anticlimactic.
But what do I know? I'm just a married guy who mistook, "I wish you would be a better planner" to mean "propose." Then I followed the "happy wife, happy life" principle and gradually realized that occasionally doing stuff without being asked softens the things I totally forget and keeps the glimmer of "potential" alive. This is what constitutes 'planning' and the fact that she's doing the same in her own way is what constitutes 'caring about each other'.
Then again, not all souls are shaped the same.
ty
you are my favorite irredeemable sinner.
henlo can has dear diary pls we understand you are very important productive guy now but pls no forget autists
I'm working on several articles, I'm sorry. Should have more time and stuff from now on (from next week)
Request for Comment: The whole Uncle Yarv series on dating and relationships.
I havent been paying attention to that and i dont think it would be helpful for me to engage with it. which i suppose is a comment in itself
Apologies for the inconvenience, just that some of the social writings might be better rephrased in a non-GenX way.
Sorry if you said so in another piece but how old are you? — just so I can feel a bit better about my shit uneventful life
Dude be cool there are girls reading this don't make me admit I'm old