The woman question 4

“If she knew that I dream about her, would she still be flattered?”

“he’s having dreams about a girl he knew 13 years ago”

I dreamt about her again. I dream about her because she signifies the moment of social acceptance I felt cheated out of as a brain damaged teenager, when it finally happened.

I dream about her because she is a metaphor for being accepted by the tribe. The “normal” people – the preppies, the cool kids. I’m drinking, I’m having fun, I’m in, I’m at the party my dad made me feel broken for not being at, when he came into my room that one time and asked me, “don’t you want to be out with all the other kids, sneaking beers and kissing girls?”. I’m finally here, I’m in. Drinking makes me normal.

I can touch her, she leans into my touch, she is flattered by it. She laughs the way girls do. We make silly faces and pose for a picture. Ironically sticking my face in hers, so the picture will be funny, because I look like a caricature – a type – a “drunk horny guy”. She embraces me and makes a face for the camera. I see myself being seen by the camera. I see her, seeing me, in the camera. We put on a show, an act – she’s a theatre girl. We’re in on it together. We have an understanding. A wink and a nod. I see myself being seen by her, behind the camera. I see what the camera sees and I see what it doesn't, and I deduct one from the other, and there is still something left. We’re together on stage, and somehow we are alone. There’s a secret between us. Everyone can see the picture, but no one but the two of us can feel the touch of my hand on the side of her stomach. Everyone can see the picture, but no one but the two of us can feel that she leans into it.

I got her. I got the prom queen even though I am the jewish nerd. Through her I have status. I can be friends with all the jocks. Because she accepts me, everyone accepts me. There are no higher barrier. This is it. I won. I beat the system. Even though I am a big jewish nerd, even though I am a loser who plays video games, even though, even though, even though.

It’s like cheating at chess. I beat the system. I hacked it. Even though I am a coward, and I don’t deserve it, I used my big smart brain to cheat, and I got what I wanted without paying the price.

I have a memory that I am unsure whether it is real or a dream. I am in preschool, and the boys and girls are playing a game of catch, where the girls put on lipstick and try to kiss the boys, who run away disgusted and fearful of cooties. In the logic of the game, they only became dangerous when they put on the dreaded magical Lip Stick. The boys would run and hide from the girls, because if you physically defended yourself, you would Get In Trouble (an informal understanding, of course. To articulate the rules of a game, will always end it. The rules must always be informal for the game to be Fun).

The memory, or maybe it was a dream, or maybe it was a day dream - or maybe it was real - was that I, using my Big Brain, discovered that two can play at the game of chicken, and I would Kiss The Girls Right Back In Their Stupid Face, and in the logic of the game, I became the “secret weapon” of the boys team, as our only means to Fight Back. Changing the rules of the game from catch to playing “War”. But – my dark, hidden secret – I wanted to and this let me get away with it in broad daylight. The perfect crime. I beat the system. And I beat two girls at chicken.

It’s the last year of high school and my class is throwing a party. I didn’t go to the parties the two previous years. Instead I smoked weed and hung out with other Jewish nerds, social outcasts, hippies, outsiders, free thinkers, disgusting potbelly hobgoblins, radicals, drug dealers, artists, musicians, political activists. We had our own little thing going. I had myself a girlfriend during that time. I did mushrooms and acid and read edgy books and watched zizek videos on youtube. I was never really excluded, not really. But I excluded myself.

I had gotten drunk a handful of times, but I had never really gotten into the lifestyle. Now I began to understand.

She’s pretending, and I’m being ironic. Later she will ironically write “call me” and her number inside a hat I was wearing. As a joke. I have a girlfriend. She’s the ex of one of my friends who is currently in a mental hospital. So even if I didn’t, and even if I wanted to, etc. But right now I’m just playing a clown. It’s nothing. Just playing around.

I’ve never cheated, I say. A Lie. I enjoy this because I don't even have to cheat. A technicality.

I saw my father do this, dishonoring my mother. I saw my mother do this with the man she would later marry. They lied to me about what it meant. I am never going to let my children see me drunk.

I wake up and go to work and when I see the waitress in a 5 year relationship with an acquaintance of mine, who I have chemistry with, and say good morning, I realize they have the same name.