I see parallel with my own experiences in yours. My parents had an unhappy marriage which eventually ended in divorce for the most pointless reasons imaginable ("it just wasn't working"), and it destroyed me. I hated them and hated their attempts to continue loving me after willingly upending the foundation of my life (I was 13). I began trying to actively become the opposite of them and what they'd raised me to be. I also did the same with God, because I blamed Him for what happened, too. In some ways even moreso than my parents.
Of course this only brought more pain, because I somehow knew that my self-constructed individualism and pseudo-intellectual materialist posturing were impotent and emotionally motivated. You know the drill. To make a long story short, this all culminated in me having a nervous breakdown and blowing up my life for a year by quitting my hard-earned engineering job to go become a "blue collar worker" and "live authentically" back in my backwater hometown. Like you, I soon figured out that was utterly retarded and it's only by the grace of God that I did not nuke myself into permanent NEETdom (I since got my career back on track). But for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to rely on my family, and to get close to them, to let them (and God) help me out of that deep, dark hole I had been digging myself further into. Most importantly, I allowed them to love me. And I allowed God to love me, despite all the terrible shit I'd done in the interim between being 13 and 24. Accepting love is still hard sometimes. But being a creature is to receive love, because that's what we were made for. It means acknowledging we didn't earn these 10 talents (family, safety, a functioning frontal lobe), God gave them to us. And He expects use to use them. Actively. Which I struggle with, because lately I've developed an addiction to the internet (including blog posts from le funny racist Danish man). But I know what I need to do. And I think we're on the right path.
Brutal. My parents are much the same - safety over achievement. Keeping healthy over risking it. They were in a war, it makes sense - sticking your head up too high meant it got shot off - and it seems they carried it years after to me. This is an amazing piece. Keep on keeping on is all that can be said. Anything else is presumptuous, I guess.
Very humble of you to not reference Doubting Thomas. There's a bit of Christ in everyone whose worn hands and tough triumphs restore hope to the fearful. Go conquer Australia Egg Man.
I see parallel with my own experiences in yours. My parents had an unhappy marriage which eventually ended in divorce for the most pointless reasons imaginable ("it just wasn't working"), and it destroyed me. I hated them and hated their attempts to continue loving me after willingly upending the foundation of my life (I was 13). I began trying to actively become the opposite of them and what they'd raised me to be. I also did the same with God, because I blamed Him for what happened, too. In some ways even moreso than my parents.
Of course this only brought more pain, because I somehow knew that my self-constructed individualism and pseudo-intellectual materialist posturing were impotent and emotionally motivated. You know the drill. To make a long story short, this all culminated in me having a nervous breakdown and blowing up my life for a year by quitting my hard-earned engineering job to go become a "blue collar worker" and "live authentically" back in my backwater hometown. Like you, I soon figured out that was utterly retarded and it's only by the grace of God that I did not nuke myself into permanent NEETdom (I since got my career back on track). But for the first time in my life, I allowed myself to rely on my family, and to get close to them, to let them (and God) help me out of that deep, dark hole I had been digging myself further into. Most importantly, I allowed them to love me. And I allowed God to love me, despite all the terrible shit I'd done in the interim between being 13 and 24. Accepting love is still hard sometimes. But being a creature is to receive love, because that's what we were made for. It means acknowledging we didn't earn these 10 talents (family, safety, a functioning frontal lobe), God gave them to us. And He expects use to use them. Actively. Which I struggle with, because lately I've developed an addiction to the internet (including blog posts from le funny racist Danish man). But I know what I need to do. And I think we're on the right path.
Damn, Randy. In my bones.
keep ur head up
great stuff
Brutal. My parents are much the same - safety over achievement. Keeping healthy over risking it. They were in a war, it makes sense - sticking your head up too high meant it got shot off - and it seems they carried it years after to me. This is an amazing piece. Keep on keeping on is all that can be said. Anything else is presumptuous, I guess.
Very humble of you to not reference Doubting Thomas. There's a bit of Christ in everyone whose worn hands and tough triumphs restore hope to the fearful. Go conquer Australia Egg Man.
Thank you for this.