You don't have to do everything yourself

weights and dads and shaving and proving a point

I bench one plate. 60 kg x 10. I could do a lot more, but I don't know how much. I started with the dumbbells two years ago. That’s why it’s x10. Low weight high reps was the only thing I could do, because I only had low weights. Then I plateaued for a long time before I even invested in a barbell.

Regardless I feel like this is not great stats. I’m ashamed of it. After an initial good run I basically quit for 6 months and got fat again, inefficiencies of all kinds. But I did it by myself, without help, without guidance, without anyone to spot me. I did everything myself. Overhead 50 kg, sets of 6. its inefficient. I should de-load and do more repetitions. Pride makes me not want to. I want the number. I’m trying to catch up.

My point is it’s all really inefficient and I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’m making it up as I go along. Sure I ask for advice now and then on the internet, sure, I watch little bite sized infotainment clips on youtube from ”athlean x” and download jpgs from /fit/ to inform me a little bit. I do a minimum of research into nutrition and I count macro nutrients on a phone app that isn’t really designed for body building, but for helping 80 IQ 40 year olds lose weight. I have never set foot in a gym. I should have, day one. I could have been where I am after two years in one, if I knew what I was doing. If I had joined a gym and let someone help me, instruct me.

Is it worth that lacking to be able to say “I did it by myself”? Is saying that worth anything at all? I don’t think so. I didn't do it to prove a point. Maybe, generously, you could say I did so because I had to – because I had no one else and my life was unstable. Maybe, generously, you could say that. But that feels like when people tell you “how strong you are”, for quitting drinking when you’re an alcoholic – its a nice sentiment, but it’s not really true. It’s a compliment, not a description of reality. it’s a cope. If I was offered the choice between being “strong” and a bottle of cheap vodka, I would choose the bottle. That kind of “strength” is worthless, it means nothing. To this day, I would rather have the bottle than that “strength”. That’s the entire point.

It’s just pride. I’m a prideful guy. Insecurity, slow to trust. Cowardice. Between you and me, in the beginning, my thought was something like – getting rid of the belly fat, laying a foundation, before entering the gym. To save face. I don't want any more people to tell me how brave and strong I am for “trying”, for putting in a minimal amount of effort. That’s more humiliating to me than failure. And yet I would tell any fatso to just do it, join a gym and socialize and just eat his pride about it. I’m a hypocrite.

Is it worth it to waste a year, to be able to say, “I did it on my own”? “I did it my way”?

No. That’s retarded. Are you kidding me. You’re dying, we’re all dying, you do not have a second to spare. You need all the help you can get. Steal everything that isn't nailed down.

I didn't talk to my dad in about ten years. I don't hold any more resentment about it. I love him dearly and our relationship is probably the most important friendship in my life today. But he never taught me how to shave. I had to figure that out on my own. I went out and I bought a razor and just tried my best to figure it out. It’s not a hard thing to figure out, with the razors today its pretty much impossible to get it wrong. But I was insecure about it for years, because no one ever told me I did it right.

He never taught me how to do my taxes. I’ve spent most of my adult life just kind of avoiding it, letting the system claim whatever they think is right and basically treating it like a lottery. Am I going to owe taxes this year, or have I payed too much and will be getting some returns? Roll of the dice every summer.

He never taught me how to talk to girls. He never talked to me about girls. Not even the platitudes our dads learned from television. He never taught me to invest and handle money, or paying bills. I, in turn, also never asked. Pride.

My dad is offering to buy me a mortgage. Just a small apartment, but taking the financial risk on his end. Its very low risk, you can always make money on this stuff in this town. Initially I said no, mostly by habit. I felt bad about this idea, of him taking the financial risk. What if I want to move in 6 months, in a year, and you can’t sell the property at the same price? Guilt.

Now I’m going to say yes. You don’t have to do everything yourself.